Mystery Stella Theater Episode 01: Beast Wars, Part One a Beast Wars MST by Stella Quetzacotl First Created: Jan 14, 2002 Last Modified: Apr 10, 2002 ~~~~~Legal Stuff~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a work of fiction written for entertainment purposes only. All Beast Wars characters belong to Hasbro. All other characters belong to the author. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~Text Conventions~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Events/descriptions in the show are denoted by parenthases (). Dialogue from the show's characters are denoted by: (name): (dialogue). Dialogue from the MST'ers are the same except they have a tab in front. ~~~~~Prologue~~~~~ (Scene: The GSS SpaceCadet’s main cafeteria. It is filled with varied beings who, for one reason or another, have found their way on board the massive space station - a few Ctarl-Ctarl tourists, a lone Saiyan down on his luck, several Gammoreans, and a Juraian traveling salesman to name a few. The vast majority of people there are Teluvian crew members - humanoids with unexpressive faces, slim builds, and sensitive antennae springing from their foreheads. The Teluvians secure their breakfast and eat quickly, conversing telepathically as well as through spoken language, before gathering along the side wall to check the day’s duty roster. Camera pans in on two Teluvians, trying to press their way through the crowd to the front. The one on the left is Ben. He’s short for his species, about five six, and his hair is a vivid red-orange. He’s standing on tiptoe trying to see over his fellow crew members’ shoulders. Next to him is Gisei - six foot one, with mousy brown hair and more muscle build than is common for his species. He tugs on his high collar uncomfortably as he searches for an opening in the seething mass of Teluvians. Eventually the crowd begins to break up, and Ben and Gisei make their way to the wall where the duty roster is posted. The paper is sticky- tacked to the wall about a foot above Gisei’s head, and continues clear to the floor.) Gisei (starting his finger at the top of the paper and running it down): Gisei and Ben... Ben and Gisei... hmm... Ben: C’mon, Gisei! You know I can’t read that high! (hops from foot to foot impatiently) Gisei: Oh, calm down. (He finds the names at about eye level.) Here we are. Lessee... Our first duty is... (He stops and turns pale.) Ben: What? What? (Gisei points. Ben stretches up on his tiptoes to read it.) Ben: M...S...T... (He pauses.) MST!? No way! Voice behind them: Yes way. (Gisei and Ben turn to see a young man with extremely black hair done in nine low ponytails. His clothes are typical feudal-age Japan. He is being escorted by two hulking Teluvians.) Ben: Kagedenri? How’d you get conned into this? Kagedenri: It’s a long story. Suffice to say last night’s game of Truth or Dare got a little out of hand. Gisei (weakly): Truth... or... So that’s why I heard Captain Stella screaming last night. (Kagedenri nods ruefully as two more Teluvian guards, each as muscular as the two that flank Kagedenri, appear out of nowhere on either side of Ben and Gisei.) Guard #1: It’s time to go. (As the guards lead Ben, Gisei, and Kagedenri away, the lighting dims, adding an ominous cast to the scene.) Ben (as he is led offscreen): So what did we do to deserve this? Gisei: We allowed Captain Stella to pull our names out of her hat. ~~~Begin Transmission~~~ Scene: A darkened theatre. Ben, Gisei, and Kagedenri are ushered to the front row. Kagedenri: I *have* to sit in the back. I have sensitive hearing. Guard #2: You should have thought of that before you pulled that stunt on the Captain. Siddown. Kagedenri (imperiously): You dare speak so to the Council Representative of Void Kitsune? Gisei: Oh, man. (buries his face in his hands) Guard #2 (smug): You’re darn right. I’m the guy who runs the projector. Kagedenri: Urk... Ben (hissing): You idiot! These guys hold our sanity in their hands! Guard #2: Flattery will get you nowhere. And sit down, or I’ll start cutting intermission. (Ben, Gisei, and Kagedenri fall over each other in their haste to sit. The Guards inspect them, are satisfied with what they see, and leave, clicking off the lights. The three victims are plunged into darkness.) Ben: Is anyone else horrifically disturbed? Gisei and Kagedenri: Yes. ~~~~~Movie: Beast Wars Pilot Episode, Part One~~~~~ Ben: Part *One*? You mean there’s more? Kagedenri: This is a two-part episode. A cliffhanger, no less. Gisei: Kagedenri, have you actually *seen* this show? Kagedenri: ...no... (‘Beast Wars’ theme song comes on. Consists mostly of synth-guitar riffs and a chorus of guys yelling ‘Beast Waaaarrrrrs!’ along with screen shots of the show.) Ben (jumps at the first cry of ‘Beast Waaaarrrrrs!’): Yow! What was that? Gisei: Sounded like a chorus of Tim Allens. Ben: Oh, okay. Cool. Guy stuff. Kagedenri (doing Tim Allen grunt in time with the music): Aauurh aauurh aauurh! (Music ends) (Movie fades in to show an establishing shot of space. A slow, beautiful pan across the interstellar reaches, showing the glimmering stars, glowing neubulae, drifting asteroids, etc.) Gisei: Woo... pretty. Ben (as Captain Kirk): Stardate two - seven - five - point - three. Still no sign of - any intelligent life. Crew - beginning to lose hope. Milk Dud supply - nearly depleted. Kagedenri (as Mister Spock): Less than fascinating, Jim. (Suddenly, with a crackling of electric light, a giant transwarp wormhole rips open in the nothingness of the interstellar void.) All: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! Ben: It’s a giant - Gisei: Don’t even go there, Ben! You *know* the rule about anatomical jokes! ( In the next instant, a Predacon warship blasts from the wormhole, thundering straight toward cam. Even as the Predacon ship passes cam, the wormhole surges again and a massive Maximal exploration vessel bursts from it, guns already firing at the Predacon ship!) All: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! Ben: In keeping with my earlier attempt: It’s a couple of giant - Gisei: No toilet humor either! Ben: Well, all I know is that’s really, really disturbing. (New angle on the ships -- tracking. Both are headed at top speed toward a small blue-green planet in the middle distance. The Predacon ship is firing back at its pursuer. Both ships are taking heavy damage.) Kagedenri: Curse you, Red Baron! Gisei: How many people are going to actually get that reference? (Push in on the pursuing Maximal ship as we hear alarm klaxons.) Ben: Dive! Dive! Gisei: Down periscope! Kagedenri: I shall chase thee unto our deaths, Moby Dick! Ben and Gisei: (stare) Kagedenri: What? Cheetor's voice (offscreen): Hull breach in Sector Seven! Guidance systems failing! (Inside Maximal ship - We see only tantalizing glimpses of robotic hands at instruments as the voices shout. The instrument panels spark as the whole ship shakes from the impacts of the Predacons’ attacks.) Rattrap's voice (from offscreen): This is ridiculous! We're an exploration ship, not a freakin' battle cruiser! Gisei: Do the writers have some ulterior motive in shadowing these guys’ faces? Ben (chanting): U - L - G - Y! You ain’t got no alibi! Kagedenri: Shut up, Ben. (For a moment, we see a closeup of Optimus' robotic eyes, grimly determined.) Kagedenri: See? They showed his face. Gisei: Just his eyes. Optimus' voice: No choice. Our ship was the only one that could lock onto Megatron's warp signature. Gisei: Children, I want you to observe this very closely. This is what we call a ‘plot in a can.’ Cheetor's voice: Shields are doing a major fade! Ben: Like, major, dude. Kagedenri: Like, totally. Gisei: Cowabunga. Optimus' voice: Plasma cannons to full power! Rhinox's voice: Yo. Plasma cannons charging. Kagedenri: You think they actually know what they’re talking about? Gisei: He uses the word ‘yo.’ How knowledgeable could he be? (Fast cut to the exterior of the Predacon ship. Now almost at the outer edges of the blue-green planet's atmosphere, still pursued by the Maximals. Camera pushes in as we hear Dinobot’s voice.) Dinobot's voice: Their shields are down! Destroy them! Gisei (as Megatron): What, and ruin a perfectly good three seasons’ worth of being defeated on a daily basis? (Interior of the Predacon ship. As before, we see only slight glimpses of hands, instruments, etc. We also see Megatron's malevolent eyes.) Megatron's voice: Oh, now, where's the fun in that? Gisei: See, what did I tell ya? Megatron’s voice: A little torment I think first, yess? Side guns! (Camera sooms out to view the exterior of the two ships. The Predacon ship fires a massive broadside. The Maximal ship rocks with the blast, its whole middle section blown away. Dozens of gleaming cylinders spiral away into orbit.) All: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! Ben: For God’s sake, cabbie, step on it! She’s droppin’ babies all over the place! Gisei: Thank you, Ben, for not taking the obvious toilet humor route. Ben: There was a toilet humor route? (blinks) You mean I missed it? Cheetor's voice: The stasis pods! Ben: Oh, so that’s what those things are. Kagedenri: Of course. Don’t you know a stasis pod when you see one? Gisei: Are you sure you’ve never seen this show before? Kagedenri: ... Of course... Optimus' voice: All plasma cannons! Fire! (The Maximal ship unleashes a volley of its own. Vast powerblasts smash through the Predacon shields and impact thunderously against the warships' main drive. Explosions billow.) Megatron's voice: (roar of wordless rage) Ben: Articulate, ain’t he? Gisei: Always graceful under pressure. (The two ships, both rocking with internal explosions, veer helplessly away from each other as they begin to flamingly enter the outer atmosphere of the planet. Their meteoric trails streak downward in streaming arcs.) Kagedenri: Isn’t this one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse? Gisei: What, flaming meteors? Kagedenri: No, rampant MSTing. (In separate shots, the two ships streak downward in flaming arcs and vanish behind the horizons. The Predacon ship vanishes in a volcanic- looking area. There is a distant flash and a slow pillar of smoke.) Ben (as hillbilly): Hoo-WHEE! That one left a crater! (The Maximal ship streaks down toward where two spirelike mountains are barely visible above the horizon. There is a distant crash and the camera shakes.) Gisei: So now we know where the Blair Witch Project people got the idea. Kagedenri (as Blair Witch Project helpless victim): Oh God - I’m so scared - If I get outta this I swear I’ll never play Truth Or Dare again... (Exterior of the Maximal ship, now crushingly wedged between the two mountain spires, suspended over a waterfall that flows between them. The ship will obviously never fly again.) Gisei: This is what happens when you let a teenager drive a Maximal exploration ship. (Camera pushes in on it slow as we hear Optimus’s voice.) Optimus' voice (groaning): Damage report. Ben: Brains at point zero five percent output. Gisei: Eyeballs pulled from sockets. Sanity supply critical. Kagedenri: My ears are in excruciating pain. Cheetor's voice: Believe me. You don't wanna know. Ben: He could’ve told us that earlier. Optimus' voice (sigh): That's what I thought. (Cut to the Predacon ship. Also crashed, but in this case in an active volcanic region. The ship is pierced with huge spikes of obsidian.) Gisei: This is what happens when you drive drunk. Megatron's voice: Navigation! Is this the right planet? Ben: That’s rather an existential question. Gisei: Who are we? Why are we here? Ben: Duty roster, remember? Predacon ship’s command center - main computer. The computer's scan lines show topographic readouts of the landscape outside. Predacon computer: Unknown. Course settings were accurate but readings are inconsistent with those expected for intended destination. Kagedenri: Is there something implicit in the fact that the Predacon computer is female? Gisei: It’s NOT female. It just SOUNDS female. Kagedenri: So why does it sound female? Why didn’t Megatron program it to sound male? Ben: Are you suggesting that Megatron and - Gisei: Don’t say it! Megatron's voice (impatient roar): Never mind that! Tell me there is Energon here! Predacon computer: Confirmed. Megatron's voice: Yessss! The planet has Energon! Ben (as Megatron): Just one more Pokémon card and I’ll have the complete set! Kagedenri: (stare) (The computer screen shows line graphs of robot forms deteriorating.) Predacon computer: Too much Energon. Gisei (to projector guy): Hey, you heard the lady! There’s too much Energon! Turn it off! Predacon computer: Field readings are off the scale. Continued exposure to robotic forms will result in permanent damage. Gisei: We’ve already suffered permanent damage. (Megatron's robotic fist crashes down on a panel.) Megatron's voice: Then we will create alternate forms based on the most powerful local creatures! Ben: Oh, sure. Always pick on the locals. Gisei: Who else are you going to pick on? (Tarantulus' robotic hands click switches on a panel.) Tarantulus' voice: Scanners activated. Ben: Yet another guy in shadows. These must be some butt-ugly robots. Kagedenri & Gisei: (studiously not commenting) (Exterior of the Predacon ship. Scanner beams streak out from it, playing over a stony hillside nearby. The beams cause the hill to seem transparent, revealing the fossils of a T-Rex, a pterodactyl and a velociraptor inside. The scanners also play over a rocky outcropping where a tarantula rises in a defensive position against an attacking wasp. The scanners pass over them both...) Ben: (stoned) Whoooaaaa. Trippy, dude. Gisei: Lookit all the pretty colors. (Camera cuts back to the Maximal command center. Similar beams are also playing from this as well, streaking out in all directions, mostly down into the crevasses, where distant jungle plants are seen. Quick shot - a pair of cheetahs standing on a hillock. The scanner beam sweeps over one of them... Quick shot - a great ape in a tree, tossing fruit down to a rhino on the ground. A rat is also in the tree, eating fruit. The scan beam sweeps through, scanning all three creatures. Back on the Maximal command center. The beams cut off. Camera pushes in slow on the command center.) Rhinox's voice: Scanning and replication of local life forms... complete. You may emerge. Cheetor's voice: Rrrowr! Look at me! I'm a cheetah - no, I'm -- CHEETOR! Gisei: How incredibly creative. Optimus' voice: Interesting. (The command center's door is hissing open.) Cheetor's voice: Interesting!? Mrow! Optimus, the word is - (Cheetor spins out into the sunlight, striking a pose)-- spot-on SMOOOTH! (catches a glimpse of his reflection in the hatchframe, strokes his whiskers admiringly) Prrrrrr. It's a crime. Kagedenri: Not only is he unimaginative, he’s conceited too. Ben: Gee, who does that sound like? Kagedenri: (glare) Say that again? (Rattrap in beast form slouches out behind him, giving Cheetor a snide look.) Rattrap: Gaudy. Ya never had taste, did ya? (struts like Chaplin, swinging his tail like a cane)This is what class is about. Call me... Rattrap. Gisei: Yet another inspired example of robot creativity. Cheetor: (Extruding steel claws) Oh, yeah? How's about I cut meeces to pieces? Ben: Someone’s been watching too much Pixie & Dixie. Remember that old show? Kagedenri: Wasn’t that out about the same time as the original Transformers series? Gisei: (as the cat on that show) I hates meeces ta pieces! (Rhinox beast form) looms up behind them from the shadows of the doorway. ) Rhinox: Ease back, Cheetor. Livin' large is for forms like me - Rhinox. Gisei: Give me a break. I could think up better names than this. Rattrap: (Cocky to Cheetor) Yeah! An' just consider yerself lucky I didn't get rough on ya! Ben: Rattrap’s all wicked phat. He down wit his bad self. Kagedenri: Does anyone else find it strange that a rat is threatening a cat? I mean, isn’t that against the laws of nature? Optimus: Moderate your conflict circuits, Maximals... (Dramatic angle on creation/reconstruction chamber as the door hisses open, revealing Optimus Primal himself, in the form of a great ape.) Optimus: Remember, these beast forms are to protect us from the long- term effects of the Energon fields out there. We may need Energon for power, but this is too much of a good thing. Ben: If you ask me, this is too much of a *very bad* thing. Gisei: Several very bad things, in fact. (Optimus moves toward the hatch.) Optimus: Our robot forms will start to short out after a few minutes' exposure. This is one unusual planet... (Reverse angle - dramatic as Optimus looks out the hatch. For the first time we get a good look at this strange new planet. A planet not unlike Earth, but with huge crevasses, streaming Energon fields, two moons (visible even in daylight) and mountains drifting through the sky, peaks downward.) Optimus: ...whatever it is. Kagedenri: Tell me about it. Rhinox: Yo. Or whenever. Gisei: There’s that ‘yo’ thing again. Somehow he fails to inspire confidence in his skills. Kagedenri: And he’s supposed to be the team mechanic. Ben: So you *have* seen this show! Kagedenri: No I haven’t! I’ve just heard about it, that’s all! Rhinox: The TransWarp drive can go through space an' time. We were locked onto Megatron's warp signature. We could be anyplace...anytime. Ben: Whooo. (Optimus looks upward grimly.) Optimus: And our crew is orbiting the planet in those stasis pods we lost in battle. They're protected from the Energon fields, but it means Megatron has us outnumbered. (Cut to the exterior of the Predacon command base -- day. Tarantulus, Waspinator, Scorponok and Terrorsaur are already outside, checking out their new beast form bodies. Dinobot (beast form) emerges from the hatch, holding a Golden Disk in his foreclaws. For a moment, we see the symbols of the Voyager on the disk. Dinobot glares from the disk around at the planet.) Ben: He looks pissed. Dinobot: No! NO! It is all wrong! This cannot be Earth! Gisei: Should've stopped and asked for directions. Kagedenri: Never stop and ask for directions. It's part of the Guy Code of Honor. Gisei: (hissing) Shut up, idiot! Captain Stella's probably monitering us! You want the secret to get out? Kagedenri: Oops. (Dinobot throws the disk back inside and glares in through the hatch into the darkness.) Dinobot: Megatron, you FAILED! Not only did you FAIL to destroy the Maximals when you had the chance -- you FAILED to bring us to the right planet! We stole the Golden Disk for nothing, you IDIOT! (There is a long, nervous silence.) Ben: Uh... oh... Gisei: He made Megsie mad. Ben: Not a smart thing to do. (Then Megatron ominously emerges from the shadows of the command center, his beast form that of a gigantic T-Rex.) Megatron: I beg your pardon. What did you call me? (The other Predacons (except for Scorponok, who's not there) rattle nervously, but Dinobot defiantly stands his ground.) Kagedenri: Fossil head! Gisei: Laser brain! Ben: Poopy face! Dinobot: You heard. You are an idiot and an incompetent leader. And I - am taking over! Dinobot - TERRORIZE! ROAAAR! (Before our eyes, Dinobot TRANSFORMS into his fully armed and armored Robot Mode, with Energon spark effects crackling over his metal form.) All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (Dinobot activates his Rotary Blade ominously.) Dinobot: I challenge you to battle, Megatron! The winner shall lead the Predacons - and the loser shall be destroyed! Kagedenri: Given the choice, I'd rather be destroyed than have to lead the Predacons. (Megatron just smiles easily.) Megatron: You're so impulsive, Dinobot. Brave, but misguided. Ben: But that's what we love about ya. Dinobot: Do you accept my challenge!? Megatron: There is more to being a leader than simple courage. There is cleverness and cunning as well. Isn't that right -- Scorponok? (Dinobot whirls. Behind him, Scorponok is just finishing his own transformation into Robot Mode. Before Dinobot can react, Scorponok's Missile Launcher fires. Dinobot is blasted with a direct hit and sent flying away over a rocky hill.) Gisei: Looks like Team Dinobot is blasting off agaaaaaaiiiiin! Ben: Ever wonder what Team Rocket is saying in the original Japanese dialogue? Kagedenri: Not especially. (Megatron watches him vanish.) Megatron: Loser. Gisei: Oh, that's a cutting insult. Ben: I prefer 'poopy face.' Megatron: (to the others, as Scorponok reverts to beast form again) What does it matter which planet we are on? We came looking for Energon, and this planet is rich with the element! Enough energon to power the Predacons' entire Galactic Conquest! (His voice lowers) Only the Maximals could give us trouble now -- if they survived the crash. Find them! Gisei (as Megatron): And when you do - invite them over for coffee. So we can talk out our differences rationally. (Waspinator and Terrorsaur begin rising into the air. Scorponok and Tarantulus begin lumbering away.) Megatron: And if you find them - destroy them! Gisei: Or that. That works too. Ben: Whatever floats your boat. (Pull back to wide shot as his minions lumber off, zoom away, and fade out) End Act One (The theater suddenly goes dark.) Projector Guy: Intermission! Kagedenri: Thank the powers. Gisei: Amen. Ben: Aw, just when it was getting good. Kagedenri and Gisei: (stare) Ben (defensively): Kidding! Just kidding! (Guards #2-3 escort our three heroes out of the theater.) ~~~End Transmission~~~