Mystery Stella Theater Episode 01: Beast Wars, Part One - #2 a Beast Wars MST by Stella Quetzacotl First Created: May 25, 2002 Last Modified: May 25, 2002 ~~~~~Legal Stuff~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a work of fiction written for entertainment purposes only. All Beast Wars characters belong to Hasbro. All other characters belong to the author. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~Text Conventions~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Events/descriptions in the show are denoted by parenthases (). Dialogue from the show's characters are denoted by: (name): (dialogue). Dialogue from the MST'ers are the same except they have a tab in front. ~~~Begin Transmission~~~ (Our heroes are escorted - forcibly - into the theater and plopped in the front row.) Ben: Just when I thought I was safe. Gisei: You call hiding in the broom closet 'safe'? Ben: How was I supposed to know there was a security camera in the broom closet? ~~~~~Act Two~~~~~ Gisei: How many acts are there again? Kagedenri: I don't know. I haven't seen anything that can be called 'acting' yet. (Fade in: Exterior of the Maximal command base - day. Rhinox is seated on his rump, carefully welding a damaged defensive cannon on the exterior of the base. Optimus is scanning the horizon through a pair of electronic binoculars. There is a pile of wrecked junk just outside the main hatch. As we watch, Rattrap emerges from the base and dumps some more junk on the pile.) Rattrap: All this fer a Golden Disk. Gisei: I got my girlfriend a Golden Disk for Valentine's Day. Ben: You had a girlfriend? Gisei: It was fifth grade. Bear with me. Optimus: It was Cybertron's most carefully guarded relic, Rattrap. Kagedenri: Couldn't have been that carefully guarded if an incompetent like Megatron managed to steal it. Gisei: Three hundred years of peace does that to the armed forces. Optimus: It gave the location of a major Energon source. That's why Megatron stole it. Rattrap: Yeah, like I care! We were supposed t' be doin' deep space exploration. Playin' Galactic Patrol wasn't nowhere in my job description. You sure you're cut out for this Commander gig? (Optimus gives him a look, but replies calmly.) Kagedenri (as Optimus): Nope. Not a bit. Optimus: Remember the Great War, Rattrap. If the Predacons get enough Energon, they'll start it again. We can't let that happen. (looks back toward horizon) Besides. You wanted exploration, and here we are on an unknown planet. What more do you want? Rattrap (Muttering): Call me picky, but a workin' spacecraft would be nice. Ben: And some Milk Duds. Gisei: And maybe a one-way teleporter to Costa Del Sol. Optimus (With a grin): Just no pleasing some people. All: Darn! (At that moment, Cheetor emerges from the hatch and reacts at something in the distance.) Cheetor: Hey, check it! (Camera pans out, and we see the distant landscape on the other side of a crevasse. A couple of cheetahs, who look exactly like Cheetor but are slightly darker in color, are racing across the distant plain. They are going quite quickly.) (Camera comes back on the Maximals. Optimus in beast form, now recovered, is watching through the binoculars.) Optimus (Admiring whistle): They're fast, all right. You chose a good form. Cheetor: Hey, you think that's speed? You ain't seen the Golden Rocket. Check this! ::Ben starts humming the Nascar Racers opening theme:: Gisei: Trouble brewing. I smell it coming. Kagedenri: He's a teenager. What do you expect? (On all fours, he suddenly races away offscreen. Optimus reacts.) Optimus: Cheetor! No! Ben (as Optimus): Bad Cheetor! What have I told you about pooping on the - Gisei: Clam up! (Angle on Cheetor. He's going really fast now, streaking away from the command center and down a slope toward a natural stone bridge that spans the crevasse. He streaks across it.) Cheetor: MmmmmmmROWL! Kagedenri: Grrrowr! Gisei: Mooooo! Ben: Ah, ah, ee, ee, tookie, tookie! (Back on the other Maximals. Optimus touches his chest, activating his comlink.) Ben: If I was that kind of person, I'd probably say something perverted about having to touch your chest to talk to someone. Gisei: Ben... you *are* that kind of person. Ben: Oh... right. (Optimus speaks into his comlink.) Optimus: Cheetor! Return to base immediately! We don't have time for this! Kagedenri: We do, however, always have room for Jell-O. (Cheetor keeps running, unheeding. Optimus pokes his chest again. We hear static.) Optimus: Cheetor! Please respond! (Only static. Optimus looks over at Rhinox, who is still seated but now holds a scanner.) Rhinox: No good. Th' Energon fields mess up th' comlinks. Anythin' over a hundred meters, they ain't worth jack. Ben: Suuuure. The ol' energon-field-messing-up-the-comlink excuse. Optimus: Well, that's just prime. Kagedenri (along with Optimus): That's just prime! Gisei (along with Optimus): That's just peachy! Ben (along with Optimus): That's just a barrel of monkeys! Gisei: Ben, you're mixing up your euphemisms again. Rattrap (Needling): So this yer first day on th' job or what? Optimus (Distractedly): Shut up, Rattrap. Ben: Yeah, shut up, Rattrap! Gisei: Ben... Rattrap (Mock salute): Oh, yes SIR! Oh, I feel just HEAPS better knowing our lives are in yer capable hands. (Aside to Rhinox) We're all gonna die. Kagedenri: I dunno, I'm beginning to like this guy. Gisei: Me too. We seem to have the same philosophy of life. (Optimus ignores him, looking back toward the distant Cheetor. Camera angles on Cheetor. A golden blur now, he races up alongside the other two cheetahs, who react.) Cheetor: Mrrow! Name's Cheetor - what's shakin', cats? Gisei: Great. Announce to the world you're new in town, why don't you? Ben: Cheetahs don't say "what's shakin', cats". They say, "w'sup, money?" Gisei: This guy is asking to be mugged. (The two cheetas glance at each other in astonishment - their eyes bug out - and then veer off, sprinting away.) (Cheetor looks offended. ) Cheetor: What, is it my breath? Gisei: No, it's your obvious lameness. Ben: Lameness is contagious, you know. Cheetor: Hey, wait! (He races after them. New angle. The two cheetahs are racing toward a distant stand of trees, with Cheetor in hot pursuit.) (Camera pushes in past them toward the trees and then takes a dramatic shot on the trees. Waspinator rises up from behind them, in the ominous fashion of Huey helicopters in the film Apocalypse Now. Angle back on the cheetahs. They skid to a terrified halt, flattening themselves to the ground as their fur stands on end.) Cheetahs (terrified screech). All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Kagedenri: What are we screaming about? It's only Waspinator. (Cheetor skids up beside them. ) Cheetor: What? It's just a big bug. Kagedenri: I just said that. (The cheetahs pay no attention, racing off at an angle in absolute panic. Cheetor reacts to this, then looks up at Waspinator, who has veered off, not recognizing Cheetor in his beast form.) Cheetor: Hm. The way those two reacted, that's no natural life-form. Gisei: He sounds oddly thoughtful. Ben: He's been spending too much time around Optimus and Rhinox. (He sprints toward the stand of trees. ) Cheetor: And if we're talkin' unnatural life-forms, then we gotta be talkin' about just one thing. Robots in disguise! Gisei: And then he goes and spoils the thoughtful act. Kagedenri: Three point six seconds of acting intelligent. That's gotta be a record. Cheetor: Cheetor -- MAXIMIZE! MRROWWWWW! Ben: Baaaaaaaaaah! Kagedenri: Shut it, Ben. It's been done. (Even as he roars, he is leaping. He starts his transformation in the air, somersaulting - angle in the stand of trees. A massive robot foot crashes down in the foliage. Camera pans up to reveal Cheetor, now in his full, mighty impressive robot mode. He hauls out his Quasar Cannon, peering up through the trees.) Gisei: With all that dramatic-ness... Kagedenri: ...I somehow fail to be impressed. Ben: We were desensitized by Dinobot. Gisei: I think we were desensitized long before that. (Waspinator is still visible.) Cheetor: Time for this cat to POUNCE! Kagedenri: He does cling to the outdated slang, doesn't he? Gisei: And he refers to himself in the third person. *So* four million years ago. Ben: It ought've been something like... Yo, yo, I'mma gonna lay da smackdown on ya stripey a-double-snakes! Kagedenri: It loses something in translation, Ben. (Cheetor's Quasar Cannon fires upward. Camera angles on Waspinator. Buzzing through the air, he reacts as Cheetor's shot explodes in the air beside him! Waspinator tumbles.) Gisei: How hard is it to hit a giant green-and-neon-yellow wasp? Kagedenri: Get used to it. Apparently all Cybertronians are severely nearsighted. Gisei: You know, I'm beginning to doubt your assertion that you've never seen this before. Kagedenri: ... Waspinator (Buzzing voice): Waspinator under attack! Waspinator engage enemy! Waspinator -- TERRORIZE! Ben: He refers to himself in the third person too! Gisei: Great. A trend. Ben (as if recieving a startling relevation): Trend? Gisei: Oh, no... (buries face in hands) I got him started. (Before our eyes, in midair, Waspinator transforms into his battle- armored flying Robot Mode and goes into a dive, firing his Stinger missiles! Angle on Cheetor (robot mode). He reacts toward the diving Waspinator as the missiles come spiralling straight toward him!) Ben: Ben likes this part! Gisei: Shoot me now. Ben: Ben wants to see flying robot parts! Cheetor: MerrrrroooooW! Ben: Ben is getting tired of the animal noises. Kagedenri: Gisei? What's with Ben? Gisei: He's following the trend. (Cheetor turns and leaps to one side as the missiles impact where he was, a massive explosion filling the screen.) Ben: Aw, it missed. Ben's disappointed. Gisei and Kagedenri: Us too. (Cut to: Long shot - the plain and the stand of trees seen from the Maximal base. A billowing explosion like a napalm drop erupts from the distant trees as Waspinator buzzes low over them. Camera pans around to reveal Rattrap and Optimus reacting.) Rattrap: Uh, oh. Kagedenri: Couldn't have said it better myself. Gisei: I'll say. That's about what my head feels like right now. Ben: Ben's gum is losing its flavor. Optimus (Already grabbing him): Move! Move! Kagedenri: Yes sir! (gets up to leave) Projector guy: Siddown! Kagedenri: Yeep! (sits) (Camera zooms out on the Maximal command base. Rhinox is already charging forward on all fours. Optimus hurls Rattrap up onto Rhinox's back and then leaps up himself as Rhinox passes.) Ben: Yee haw! Ride 'em cowboy! Gisei: ...wrong on so many levels... (Fast cut to Cheetor (robot mode). Rolling back to his feet, he returns fire skyward with his Quasar Cannon. It sounds something like: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Camera cuts back to Waspinator (robot mode), who is in the sky. He comes back in a hard and fast barrel roll, eye-lasers firing like machine guns as Cheetor's cannon bursts explode around him like ack-ack fire.) Gisei: This is an insult to every old war movie ever made. Kagedenri: Considering the quality of some old war movies, that's saying a lot. (Back to Cheetor: leaping to one side as the machine-gun laser fire tears up the ground where he was. He snarls.) Ben: Darn. Missed again. Gisei: You were expecting a hero to get killed in the first episode? Did you sleep through Cartoon Fabrication Class in high school? (Fast cut back to The other Maximals. Optimus and Rattrap on Rhinox's back, thundering across the natural stone bridge. Rhinox doesn't have Cheetor's sleek manueverability, but he's got the speed and massive power of a runaway freight train.) Gisei: Faster than a tall building! Smarter than a locomotive! Ben & Kagedenri: ..... (Angle from Rhinox's back (BEAST MODE), showing that there is a fallen mass of heavy logs across the trail ahead. Rattrap reacts to it.) Rattrap: Heads up! Roadblock! Gisei: Please slow down. Construction crew at work. (Optimus reacts, making a quick command decision.) Optimus: Veer left! There's a clearing about a hundred meters -- (Rhinox hits the blockade of fallen logs at full speed and smashes them to flinders without even slowing down.) Kagedenri: I'd say that's construction crew *roadkill* now, Gisei. Ben: He must've learned to drive in Miami. (Shards of wood fill the air. Optimus brushes several of them from his fur as they continue to thunder along.) Optimus (Sigh): Ah yes. Silly me. Kagedenri: No more need be said. (Cut back to Cheetor and Waspinator (both in robot mode). Cheetor sprints up and past the camera as Waspinator's eye-lasers tear up the stone at his heels. As he passes over the camera, Waspinator fires another of his Stingers. Camera takes an upshot on a stone outcropping. Cheetor leaps from it just as Waspinator's missile impacts on it, causing a massive explosion. On the ground, Cheetor lands and dives behind some boulders, struggling with his Quasar Cannon.) Cheetor (Frustrated MREEOW!): Of all the times for a Quasar jam! Ben: Cheap sweatshop-made Quasar cannons. Just can't rely on 'em. Gisei: Remember, for all your weaponry needs - buy Sony! Kagedenri: The only weapons with die-cast construction. (Cheetor then reacts to something offscreen, namely...) Optimus: Cheetor! (New, dramatic angle on a ridge, showing Optimus, Rhinox, and Rattrap ranged there, still in beast mode but dramatically staged.) Ben: TA-DA! The cavalry has arrived! Gisei: Just in time for Waterloo. Kagedenri: That was Napoleon, Gisei. Optimus: Get to cover! We'll swat that pesky Predacon! Gisei: With new lemon Pledge! Ben: Gisei... I have a sneaking suspiction you've sold out to Corporate America. Gisei: I'm just reading the notes Captain Stella gave me... Ben: You asteroid! Blaming your shameful plugs on our virtuous Captain! Gisei: ...suck up. (Optimus then reacts to:) Megatron: Oh, I would not count on that, Maximals. Nooo. All: Uh oh. (New angle - another ridge. Megatron, Scorponok, and Tarantulus are standing there (beast mode) with Terrorsaur flying overhead.) Ben: The anti-cavalry has arrived! TA-DA! Kagedenri: You don't say 'ta-da' for villians, Ben. Ben: Why not? Kagedenri: Same reason no hero gets killed in the first episode. Megatron: For I believe that you are soon to have... how shall I put it... difficulties of your own! Yesss. Gisei: Some Fibra-Cal will clear that right up. Ben & Kagedenri: GISEI! Gisei (ducking): Okay, I'm sorry! (Angle on the Maximals. They react horrifiedly and we fade out.) ~~End Act Two~~ (The theater suddenly goes dark.) Projector Guy: Intermission number 2! Ben: I still can't believe you, Gisei. Gisei: At least I got you to stop referring to yourself in the third person. Ben: (horrified gasp) (Guards #2-3 escort our three heroes out of the theater.) ~~~End Transmission~~~