Mystery Stella Theater Episode 02: Beast Wars, Part Two a Beast Wars MST by Stella Quetzacotl First Created: Jan 26, 2003 Last Modified: Jan 26, 2003 ~~~~~Legal Stuff~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a work of fiction written for entertainment purposes only. All Beast Wars characters belong to Hasbro. All Ctarl-Ctarls belong to whoever does Outlaw Star, all Gammoreans belong to George Lucas, all Saiyans belong to Toriyama-sama, and all Juraians belong to whoever does the Tenchi series. All other characters belong to the author. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~Text Conventions~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Events/descriptions in the show are denoted by parenthases (). Dialogue from the show's characters are denoted by: (name): (dialogue). Dialogue from the MST'ers are the same except they have a tab in front. ~~~Begin Transmission~~~ (Scene: The screening room where the MSTing of Beast Wars Part One took place. Ben Aric and Gisei Remm, the two Teluvians whose duty it is to MST today's feature, are already seated. Their faces, to the extent that Teluvian faces show the emotion, are tense.) Gisei: You think it's just the two of us this time? Ben: You mean, do I think Captain Stella decided to be merciful this time? Gisei: ...Never mind. Stupid question. (The door in the back opens, and three figures step through. The lead figure is Arissa Torara, the SpaceCadet's security officer. She is a member of the Ctarl-Ctarl race, which basically amounts to her looking like a lanky, buxom humanoid feline with surprisingly large ears and downy cinnamon fur. Her hair is stone-blue and cut to chin-length, with her bangs flopping over one eye. Two Teluvian guards flank her right and left.) Gisei (gulping): S-Security Officer Torara! Ben: Why, hello, Officer! Come to keep us two handsome boys under lock and key? (Arissa reaches the boys and halts, looking at them with obvious distaste.) Arissa: Unfortunately, no. I'm off duty. Ben: Does that mean we can call you Arissa? Arissa: No. (One of the guards prods her meaningfully. Arissa growls, but sits down next to Ben) Gisei: Officer... if you don't mind my asking... what are you doing here? Arissa: If you must know... I've been drafted. Ben: Into my harem? All right! I knew the Captain would come through for me! (Arissa thwaps him) Ow! Arissa: I meant as an MSTer, you idiot! Ben: ...Darn. Gisei: Officer, for what it's worth, you have my most heartfelt condolences. Arissa: For the MSTing, or for this blathering idiot? Gisei: Both. Projector Guy: Movie starting now! Everyone shut up! Arissa: That rather defeats the purpose of an MST, doesn't it? Gisei: A word of advice, Officer. Don't try to make sense out of anything that happens in this room. Logic has no place here. Arissa (as the lights dim): I'll remember that. ~~~~~Movie: Beast Wars Pilot Episode, Part Two~~~~~ (Beast Wars theme song plays.) Ben & Gisei: BEAST WAAAAAARRRRRRRS! Arissa: Men... (Music ends) (Fade in on the natural stone bridge leading across the crevasse, as seen in Part One.) Arissa: Part one? I take it I missed that one. Gisei: Not too much. Just a bunch of robot aliens crash- landing and making big morons of themselves. Arissa: Ah. (Dinobot, in beast mode, is on the bridge, facing the Maximals.) Dinobot: Face me, Optimus! I, Dinobot, challenge you for leadership of the Maximals! You and I -- one on one. The winner shall be leader. And for the loser -- well... (He indicates the deep crevasse below.) Dinobot: ...it is a long way down. Arissa: I like this lizard-creature already. Ben: Planning on following his example with Captain Stella? Arissa: No thanks. Ben: Because, I'd be happy to nurse you back to health after she pounds you... Arissa: Shut up. (He gives Optimus a step closer gesture with his foreclaws.) Dinobot: So come on. Gisei (as Dinobot, quoting from 'Dracula: Dead and Loving It'): Now we do the dance... of *love*. Ben: Gisei... that's disturbing. Gisei: You've finally rubbed off on me, Ben. (Camera switches to the Maximals, who are all in beast mode. Optimus shakes his head.) Optimus: I don't want to fight you. Gisei: Can't we all just get along? Arissa: No. Dinobot: You do not have a choice. (Jerks a thumb) Your command center is back there. And no one crosses this bridge until you face me. So stop wasting time. Arissa (as Dinobot): And if you do not fight me, I shall say... Ni! Ben & Gisei: AAAAHHHH! (The other Maximals begin to speak up.) Rhinox: Yo. Don't we get a say in this? Ben: Word, yo. Rattrap: Hey, I'm easy. Let Chopperface and th' Boss Monkey duke it. No fur offa MY tail. Arissa: He's a rat. He doesn't have any fur on his tail. Gisei: No logic, Officer, remember? Cheetor: No way! (Pushing forward) Hey, Scalebelly, how's about you try a piece of th' Bad Kitty, hunh? (Optimus holds Cheetor back.) Ben: Why? Arissa: Obviously, because Dinobot is a great warrior and the kitten wouldn't last two seconds. Ben: And that's.... bad? Optimus: Cool your circuits, Cheetor. I wouldn't send anyone to do anything I wasn't willing to do myself. Ben: I'll show you mine if you show me yours! (Gisei and Arissa both thwap Ben) Ow! Rattrap: Oh, right. NOW he says that. (Camera pulls out to a wide shot on the natural stone bridge. Alone, Optimus moves out on it to face Dinobot.) Optimus: This is foolish, Dinobot. We're Maximals. You are a Predacon. Arissa: We're present-day mammals, you're a prehistoric reptile. Gisei: I'm a Capulet, you're a Montague. Ben: Please stop that. Please. No more Dinobot + Optimus innuendo. I surrender. Dinobot: All the more reason I should lead, then. Gisei: Evil always wins, because good is dumb. Optimus: Look, I don't know what happened between you and Megatron- Ben (as Optimus): -but I'm sure you two can work it out. I know a good marriage counselor - (Arissa thwaps him) Ow! Why is Megatron + Dinobot deserving of a thwap and Optimus + Dinobot isn't? Arissa: Oh, it is. I refrain from thwapping him because he gives me due respect. Ben: I respect ya, baby - (thwap) Ow! Dinobot (Practically spits): Megatron! Megatron will fall as soon as I have your Maximals at my command. Optimus: You are welcome to join us. (Behind him, Rattrap protests.) Rattrap: Hey! Ben (Rattrap): I never agreed to a threeso- (Gisei and Arissa thwap him into silence) (Optimus waves him to silence.) Optimus: Maximal and Predacon. We are both, after all, just robots in disguise. But you shall not lead. Arissa (Optimus): I'm sorry, Dinobot, but this tango is just too complicated for you. Ben & Gisei: (stare) Gisei: Now I'm rubbing off on Officer Torara... Ben: No fair! I saw her first! Dinobot: I beg to differ. For in anticipation of my new role as leader, I have already reprogrammed my activation code. Dinobot - MAXIMIZE! (ROAAAR!) (Before our eyes, he transforms into the mighty Robot Mode.) Arissa: Oh my. Such mightiness. *.* Gisei: Love at first sight. Ben: Bastard Predacon, stealing my girlfriend... Arissa: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC! Gisei: Hate to break it to you, Officer... but that starry- eyed face seemed pretty real to me. Arissa: ...That's it, you're off my good list. (Dramatic shot on Optimus, also transforming.) Optimus: Optimus Primal - MAXIMIZE! (ROAAAR!) Ben: Does he have to use both his first and last names? The others just use their first names. Gisei: He loves his last name. He just can't resist showing it off. (He too goes into Robot Mode. Dinobot is already lunging forward, his rotating blade swinging.) (Wide shot - Dinobot swings the whirling blade, but Optimus ducks beneath it, crashing low against the other robot's knees and lunging forward. Dinobot is hurled over Optimus' shoulder and crashes to the stone bridge, his whirling blade sending up a shower of sparks.) All (like they're watching fireworks): Oooooh. Ahhhhhh. (New angle: Optimus' shoulder jet is still damaged from his earlier fight with Megatron. Unable to fly and too close for ranged weapons, he draws his twin sonic swords and activates them. They howl to ultrasonic life.) Arissa: Now those I like. Ben: You're drooling. (Camera angles on the other Maximals. Cheetor is rarin' to join in.) Cheetor: I'm going in there! Cheetor -- MAX - mumpgh! (His activation command is cut off by Rattrap clamping a paw over his mouth.) Rattrap: Clamp it, kitty. Nailin' th' Chopper from behind won't settle anything. Gisei: Although it would be entertaining to watch. Arissa: (glare) Rhinox: Yeah. Like it or not, we gotta let'em finish. (Back on the natural stone bridge, Optimus and Dinobot exchange a crashing, sparking series of blows as Optimus' swords clang against Dinobot's rotary and electron swords. Camera comes in closer as Optimus wades in hard and fast, both swords swinging in clanging blows, knocking Dinobot's swords aside.) Optimus: (ape-like attack yell) Ben: o.o;;; Gisei: o.O;;;; Arissa: o.o..... ??? (Dramatic shot: For a brief moment, Dinobot's guard is open, his robotic hands and weapons knocked to the sides. Optimus delivers a sledgehammer uppercut straight from the floor, the hilt of his sonic sword crashing against Dinobot's robotic chin. Dinobot teeters and then crashes down to his knees, dazed. Optimus points a sonic sword at him.) Optimus: It's over, Dinobot. Surrender. (Dinobot shakes his head dazedly, still on hands and knees.) Gisei: I am now resisting the urge to offer sexual-themed commentary on this. Ben and Arissa: Thank you. Dinobot (Dazed): I still live. Finish it. Gisei: ...And my resistance is spent. (as Dinobot) Finish my - (is thwapped into submission by Ben and Arissa) (Optimus sheaths one sword and extends a hand.) Optimus: That's not how we Maximals do things. Ben: Oh, BAD move! Arissa: With such an obvious lack of tactical sense, one wonders how he secured his position of leadership in the first place. Gisei: It's because his name's Optimus. (Camera comes closer on Dinobot, still on his hands and knees, looking at Optimus' feet. His eyes glow.) Dinobot: Then that will have to change. Arissa: Heartening that *someone* in this production has common sense. Gisei: I envy you your innocence. (Camera angles on Dinobot, rising back to his feet and activating his swords once more.) Dinobot: A word of advice, Optimus! When you defeat a Predacon - finish the job. Because you may not get another chance. (Angle on Dinobot and Optimus. Dinobot lays into Optimus with renewed force.) Optimus (Grunting with effort): I'll keep it in mind. (Weapons clashing, Dinobot drives Optimus back toward the ragged edge of the natural bridge...) All: Drop! Drop! Drop! (Close on the edge of the bridge, Optimus' foot lands on a weak outcropping of stone. The stone crumbles and Optimus's foot slips down -) (Back on Dinobot and Optimus. As his foot goes over the edge, Optimus reacts, struggling for balance.) Optimus (Trying to recover): Whoaaaa! All: (cheers) (Fast shot - Cheetor, reacting in horror -) (Back on Optimus and Dinobot. Optimus is trying to recover his balance, but no use. Camera pushes in on him as he starts to fall - and then is suddenly jerked to a stop by Dinobot's robotic hand clamping on to one of his own.) All: Awwww! Optimus: Wha--? (Fast shot - the other Maximals also reacting in surprise, glancing at each other.) All: (glancing at each other, reacting in surprise) (Optimus looks surprised as Dinobot pulls him back upright on the bridge.) Optimus: What are you doing? You'd won! Dinobot: You slipped. To defeat you in such a manner would be lacking in honor. I would not have earned the right to lead. Ben: So... he saves his enemy's life, thereby ensuring his eventual defeat, all because of honor? Arissa: Well... yes. Ben: ::mutters:: ...what a dip. (Dinobot activates his weapons again with a slight bow.) Dinobot: I prefer to beat my opponents the old-fashioned way. Brutally! (He lunges forward in attack again. Optimus meets his charge with his own weapons swinging.) Gisei: One minute he's spouting off about *not* letting Optimus die, next minute he's doing his level best to kill him. And somehow honor figures into this? Arissa: Do not attempt to apply logic. It has no place here. Gisei: ...Touche. (Toe-to-toe, their weapons crash and spark against each other, neither budging an inch. Closer on Optimus - Despite the situation, his robot face has a grudging smile.) Optimus (As they fight): For a Predacon, Dinobot, you have qualities I could like. (Closer on Dinobot - He gives an acknowledging nod as they fight.) Dinobot: And you have proved to be a worthy adversary. I will have you recycled with full honors. Ben: Well, aren't we eco-conscious. Gisei: Dinobot moonlights as an extra on 'Captain Planet'. Arissa: The power is... mine? Optimus: Well, that's just prime. (And we cut to a long shot on the natural stone bridge, where we see the battle continuing. Camera pulls back and pans around to reveal the Predacons, in beast mode, emerging from behind some stone formations. Megatron is reacting to the fight in the distance.) Megatron: Well. This is an interesting sight, yesss. Optimus and the traitor Dinobot engaged in battle. Gisei (as Megatron): Now all we need is some popcorn. (Scorponok shields his eyes with a massive foreclaw, peering into the distance.) Scorponok: Who you think gonna win? Arissa: The one with superior grammar skills, apparently. Waspinator: Waspinator bet on Optimus! Ben (as Scorponok): Ten energon cubes says Dinobot! Gisei (as Waspinator): Mmzz-scorpion-bot izz on! (Tarantulas rubs a quartet of hands together in anticipation.) Tarantulas: The winner isn't what interests me. (slavers) Gisei: May I interest you in a bib? (Angle back on Megatron, eyeing the battle.) Megatron: Nor me. Noo. How much more... preferable... it would be if they both lost. Yesss. Ben: I win! Gisei & Arissa: ....???? Camera pulls back to a wide and dramatic view as he suddenly gives the command.) Megatron: Predacons! TERRORIZE! Ben: That might not be a good idea, Megs. They got that War on Terror going right now - Gisei: Can it. (Camera pans over the Predacons as they go into their transformations.) Ben: Just know you're obliterating a whole bunch of innocent Afghan civilans by going through with this. Arissa: Somehow... I don't think they care. Ben: Typical. Scorponok: Scorponok! TERRORIZE! (SCREECH) Tarantulas: Tarantulas! TERRORIZE! (SCREECH!) Terrorsaur: Terrorsaur! TERRORIZE! (SCREECH!) Waspinator: Waspinator! TERRORIZE! (SCREECH!) Arissa: Awful lot of screeching. Gisei: Just wait - Megatron: Megatron! TERRORIZE! (BELLOW!) Gisei: There ya go! (Fast cut to Rattrap, Rhinox, and Cheetor, still in beast mode, as Rattrap suddenly reacts toward the distant Predacons.) Rattrap (To Cheetor and Rhinox): Yow! Shift yer scanners due east, pals! This party's got big-time crashers! Gisei (as Rhinox): You mean you forgot to send them invitations? (Camera angles on the Predacons again. They have all their multivaried missile launchers trained on Optimus and Dinobot, who have not noticed them yet.) Arissa: How the FRAG do you not NOTICE all that noise they were making?! Gisei: They were busy being honorable. Megatron: Fire! Ben: Earth! Gisei: Wind! Arissa: Water! Ben: Heart! All: GO, PLANET! (A screaming salvo of missiles STREAKS AWAY from the Predacon line, roaring straight up and past the camera, which then angles on Optimus and Dinobot, still battling toe-to-toe in the middle of the bridge. The line of missiles streaks straight toward them!) Gisei: By your idiocy combined... Ben: I am Captain Underpants! Arissa: ????? Gisei: Officer Torara, I told you before, you must abandon logic. Fade Out End Act One Arissa: That's it? I was rather expecting something more arduous. Ben: Just hang on, cat-babe, two more acts to go. Arissa (dangerously): 'Cat-babe?' Gisei: Uh-oh. Projector guy: Intermission! (Guards #2-3 escort our heroes out of the theater.) ~~~End Transmission~~~